Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
