I am midnight drunk by noon
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
