why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
