Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
