So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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