I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
