my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
