so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
MIDGETS
????
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
