Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
