How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
