Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize