ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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