The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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