Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
