im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
