Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
