yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
