Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
