Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
