Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
