Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
