We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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