I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
