His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I didn't notice because vodka
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
