so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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