i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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