sarcasm needs its own font
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
