i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
