I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
