Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
