I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And then he peed in my hair
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