Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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