I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
