shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
