I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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