The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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