Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
