Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
