Fine. I'll sleep in my office
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
