Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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