I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
No subtext here. People are naked.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
