And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The air was thick with penises
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
