Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The Olympian is in my bed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
