So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I didn't notice because vodka
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
