ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
