Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
