I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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