She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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