Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
