Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
