Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
