I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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