Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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