Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
