they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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