You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
