mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
