I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
